Bigger, better, fatter: Burger Queen fully loaded

This Friday (partyin' partyin' yeah) I went clubbing, and then the best thing happened. A guy I have never seen before in my life pointed at me and screamed at me, in a high pitched voice that would rival Hanson: "Oh my good, you're the mermaid Burger Queen!!!". I have been waiting for this moment since I was 4 years old. In it for the fame fame baby FAME.

That is Burger Queen 2011 for y'all.

But yes, mermaid. How did that happen? Well, after the my first round, some cheeky bastard suggested on facebook that Scottee should have included a swimwear round in the contest. And Scottee, because he is cheeky too, replied 'that will happen in the final'. When I read that, I panicked. Because as much as I believe in positive body image and spice girl power and whatever theoretically, when it comes to me being filmed by the BBC, on a stage, in swimwear, while Lisa Stansfield is eating my cake - that's a whole different kettle of fish.

Mermaid sausage.

However, Roy and I came up with the amazing idea of a mermaid outfit. Disney's The little Mermaid is my favourite film ever. What I like best about it are the little noises Sebastian makes when he is walking. Seriously. Roy and I invented a drinking game that included having a shot every time Sebastian does his crab walk. Anyway, what has always bothered me about the film is the big deal they make about legs. I mean, sure, homegirl needs some working lungs, but if it's just about the legs, well, skip the trip to the witch, keep the voice (duh!) and get some wheels instead. So I started working on a mermaid outfit. Then, a few days later I met Scottee. It was during another round of Burger Queen, where some other candidates battled out their place for the final. All four of them were gorgeous and brilliant, and I celebrated each and every single one of them with a double gin tonic. I ended up being crazy drunk, and so, when I had a chat with Scottee and he told me that there would be no swimwear in the final, and that it all just had been a joke, I blurted out: "Oh nooo, that's really disappointing". To which he replied: "Aaw Sweetheart, we'll do swimwear for you!". Well done, Nina. Other highlights of that night included partying with Stephen Fry and hanging out with a Burger Queen groupie called Hildie. She told  me she likes to see chubby ladies in lingerie.

The next morning, when I woke up and waited for a call from Hildie that never came (I am still heartbroken about it), I got an email from Scottee, telling the finalists that the outfit for the fashion round would have to belong in a Miss World category: 'Evening Wear, Sportswear or Swimwear'. I realised I actually had to go through with this, especially if I wanted to win back Hildie's heart. To add to my embarrassment, I also decided to invite every heterosexual male to the contest I know in London (namely two).

The night before the contest, I had a semi-nervous breakdown and all took it out on Roy and on the Peanut Butter and Jelly Cheesecake I was going to serve Lisa Stansfield and her judge pals.
Things got worse when we had a fire alarm in the building on the afternoon of the contest (I live with a bunch, well 500, of brainless 18-year-olds who like to smoke in their rooms). I was late at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern, but upon my arrival I had a little chat with a lovely gentleman - he seemed to know who I was and told me we were friends on facebook. I had no clue who he could be, until I realised that Gloria Swansong, one of the other two finalists, must actually be a male in drag and the person I was talking to. This proves that a) I was REALLY drunk the week before, and b) that Gloria is an absolutely fantastic performer. Judging from the performance in the final and the round before, of all the other performers Gloria was actually the one closest to my heart. I love nothing better than a drag queen in sequins, and Gloria is the sparkliest Mama of all drag queens. Watch her performance for the final here. Absolutely gorgeous!!

Before the fashion round I was really nervous, but Johnny Blue Eyes, a stylist/performer and one of the judges passed me by backstage was really cheerful and enthusiastic about my outfit that I was completely distracted from my nervousness - so distracted in fact, that I barely noticed the chic lady behind him who complimented me on my makeup and introduced herself as 'Lisa'. Until they were gone and I realised that it had been Lisa Stansfield. Oh the shame. I also briefly met the adorable Jude Bean before the contest started. She greeted me with a big hug, although we had never met before. Jude does the funniest videos about food on her youtube channel, and all the videos from the contest are actually by her.

Johnny Blue Eyes, Russella. You stole my nail look, Johnny, but it's fine because you are fab.

Both other finalists looked amazing in the fashion round, Gloria was all sequin goddess and the beautiful Bea Sweet opted for gold spandex and a lot of skin. We also had to answer some typical Miss pageant questions, and here are some videos of that round:





In retrospective, I massively cringe at the bit where I am grabbing my boobs, but it seemed completely normal at the time. I guess Ariel was feeling a little naughty. As the fashion bit went more or less ok, I got ready for my talent bit. I had been pondering whether I should change my perfomance from the first round, I actually re-wrote it and changed it back a few days before. I finally decided to base my performance on the same text, but to leave out and add different things than I did in the first round. I felt slightly ashamed, was both Gloria and Bea did different songs than they did in their first round, but I have never performed before and I decided I would be too nervous about something new and I didn't want to change a performance I had so much luck with first time round just for the sake of doing something different. I did update it a bit in so far as most of the 'random gifts' I showed the audience were actually things I was given since the first round of the contest. I am really given loads of free things. This is actually (more or less) my life. Here's a video of almost my whole performance:



I was really scared before the perfomance, even though the one in the first round went well. You can never be quite sure what people find funny, and I was actually one of those kids in school who made jokes that noone thought were funny but my best friend. But the performance went pretty well, so either the audience had a much greater sense of humour than my school mates, or my jokes have gotten better. Probably both.
When the judges were asked for their opinion after the talent round, the best thing ever happened: Jude Bean actually sighed 'Nina, all I can say is that I really liked Nina'. That moment seriously was beyond perfect, one of the best ones in my life.

Amy Lamé, Lisa Stansfield, Jude Bean

After the talent bit I spent some time with my friends on their table. It means so much to me that so many people have taken an interest in the whole contest and supported me by posting about it, talking about it, and actually coming to watch it. I feel like listing names, but I won't, in case I forget someone. But the whole thing made me feel much more like I belong in London,  and it would have been one of the best experiences in my life even if I would have (SPOILER ALERT) won. So a big fat chubby thank you to everyone who organised the contest, it has been a blast, and to all my new friends in London and the old ones in Switzerland who gave me ideas and are always so brilliant and inspiring. And Roy, I love you so much and couldn't have done the whole thing without you. In fact, I think without you, not many of the fab moments in my life would have happened.

So umm yeah, I won. Here's a hilarious video of the cooking round, where Amy Lamé exclaims 'Oh my God I am going to die' when my cake is announced. I am so glad she didn't die, because noone else can be quite as fabulous in a yellow dress as Miss Amy Lamé is. Gloria made the sexiest sparkly boob and penis cakes ever, while Bea opted for some super yummy cupcakes from Ms. Cupcake, the best cake shop in London.

Glo's sexy cakes.

I seriously didn't expect to win and I actually think it must have been really close. The winner had the honour to be showered with limp, cold chips, which was a lifetime experience in itself, and I was given lots of prizes: The beautiful Burger Queen medal necklace, custom-made by Tatty Devine, lots of Illamasqua makeup (squeee!), a voucher to get dolled up in a beauty parlour, a voucher for a big birthday cake, actual real money, a golden scale and a massive delicious raspberry vanilla cake. The cake probably weighed at least 10 pounds. My friend Michael carried it around London into several bars and clubs and then to my place. Legend/Good workout. After the contest was over, I got really drunk, had lots of cake and had fun fun fun with Isa, Roy, Rob and Michael like it was Friday. Good times.

"OMG, me???"

yummy.

 

Confessions of a Fat Beauty Queen - So much cake, so little time. (Part 1)

The last few weeks were amongst the strangest in my life. I did so many things I have never done before. I performed by myself on a stage. I made Lisa Stansfield a cake (and she ate it). I let the BBC film me wearing nothing on top but a bra. And now I officially carry the title Burger Queen 2011.

I met Paloma at Burger Queen and she was eating, she was eating.

How did all of this happen? I am still not quite sure. When I first decided to enter this little contest, I did it because the whole thing seemed fun and camp. Like RuPaul's drag race, but with more fat people and less cameras. I also alternated between loving and hating London, and I decided this contest was a good way to find out how London actually felt about me. Well, at least the part of London that matters: Drag queens and celebrities, and people wearing funny hats.

The contest consisted of 3 parts: fat fashion, fat talent and fat food. I had to present an outfit, perform something and make a dish. Out of the three, the dish was the least problematic challenge - sure, I don't posess a (kitchen, or any) scale, or a oven I can actually operate, but I just did it Nigella Lawson's way: Throw lots of sugary, fatty things together in a bowl, crumble some cookies in and hope for the best.

Fashion was a bit more worrying: Most of the people that were competing against me in the first round I already knew from the club scene, and they always look amazing, much better than I ever could. For the first round, I decided to go with lots of colour and got a bit of help from my friend Naddy Sane, who is a cross between a fairy, a rainbow and 21st century Edie Sedgewick.

Miss Naddy Sane

What worried me most, though, was the talent bit. Stages are in their nature generally pretty inaccessible to me. Not many people in my life have offered me to build a ramp onto a stage. Only my favourite fatty Scottee did. While I like to write, I never actually performed something I wrote on a stage, so I never actually performed voluntarily. However, I do see every-day interaction as something very performative, and in that sense I had all my life to study in which roles people like me best. If all of this sounds a bit weird to you, read some Judith Butler. Or don't. Maybe just ignore the confusing bit and read on, ok? I'll post a picture of the cake I did for the first round, everyone likes cake.

The lady in the picture is the ravishing Marawa Cup, who is a burlesque hula hoop artist and was on Britain's got talent. She was one of the celebrity judges in the first round, along with Cocknbullkid, Tatty Devine, The Broken Hearts DJs, Timberlina and Miss Paloma Faith, squeeeeeal!!
All the judges turned out to be really lovely, although Paloma Faith is quite a cheeky rascal in person, much different (but even more charming and gorgeous) to her sweet, ladylike stage persona.

My fellow contestants in the first round were Roberto, a gorgeous bear who likes to be naked and can sing and dance like the best of them, Angel Rose, a performance artist and gothic queen of the London clubbing scene, and Oozing Gloop, who actually was super skinny, but is some sort of big fat crazy genius. Most of the night he wore gummy bears stuck in his face.

Roberto, Oozing Gloop, Angel Rose and yours truly.

As was expected, Angel Rose blew everyone's mind in the fashion round. She's got great style and stage presence.
In the talent round, Roberto and Oozy both performed a song, while Angel Rose and I both did a monologue. Everyone was really friendly and lovely. For me it was an honour to share the stage with such talented, creative and sexy people.
I took inspiration from the deeply moving classic film 10 things I hate about you.  And Lady Gaga. As a result, I did 10 things I love about my chair, because
I am the spirit of my chair,
It's all the glory that I bear,
I am my chair, I am my chair,
I am as free as my ch-a-a-air. 
(If you don't know much about Lady Gaga, just ignore this bit, but if you don't know about Judith Butler AND Lady Gaga, at least tell me you like unicorns, drag queens or Buffy the Vampire Slayer).

The 10 things I love about my chair included that it faciliates such fun activities as shoplifting, lapdances and getting drunk. Here's a bit of it, me talking about my fat hips:

Weirdly enough, even though I had very strong competition in that round, I won and went through to the final. The cake did it, I guess. Orange chocolate cheesecake? Yum. I am hungry now.
I will tell you about the final in the sequel, because every Lindsay Lohan film blog post about a beauty pageant for fat people deserves a sequel.

PS: Yes, I titled that video "Nina Neon Burger Queen 2011". It flatters my vanity and makes me feel like I live in a Kirstie Alley film. Eat it.

10 things I love about... Roy.

The last few days have been extremely busy and exciting and weird. I am now officially a fat beauty queen, and I can't wait to blog about this strange and wonderful experience.
However, this blog is about something more important. It is about my friend Roy. He is amazing, and here is why:

10) Roy's got amazing moves. He can dance like noone else. He can move muscles I didn't even know people had. He is the coolest person on any dancefloor, no matter who else is there.

9) Roy is one of the most patient and least judgemental people I have ever met. He never judges people on how they look or on success, just on their actions. If Roy doesn't like you or is angry with you, it means that you are truly evil or did something extremely awful.

8) Roy is gorgeous. He's got the sparkliest eyes, the lushest lips, the sweetest smile and a hot body. When we go  out, he makes all the girls and boys swoon, without even realizing it. Which makes him even more gorgeous.

7) Roy makes me feel secure. There isn't a muddy hill or a steep ramp that Roy can't conquer. He's the person i feel safest with, no matter in what situation I am in. Without him, I would probably end up being a mushy gloop next to some stairs, because I was too drunk to see the ramp.

6) Roy puts up with me. I have no idea why. Sometimes I sing Justin Bieber songs (and I really can't sing), and he endures it. I can also be a massively  moody, selfish, self-centered bitch. It is something that probably comes from me trying to cover up my insecurities, but that is no excuse. Looking at Roy reminds me how much better I could be and that I really need to try.

5) Roy boy's got glamour. Noone wears Dr Martens, sequins and dapper hats like him. Hardcore eleganza extravaganza!! He even looks amazing with baby blue lipstick on. And not many people can work that look, let me tell you.

4) A lot of people are either cool OR nice. They somehow feel that being nice would interfere with their coolness, so they are being rude to people. Roy however manages to be the coolest AND the nicest simultaneously. He goes out of his way to be kind and help people, no matter if they are friends or people he barely knows. At the same time, he's always up for mischief and having a laugh and is full of exciting, creative ideas. 

3) Roy's my soulmate. Very often, we say exactly the same thing at the same time. Very often, this involves Lady Gaga quotes. We also have an imaginary gang and an imaginary band with a hit song about Betty White.

2) Roy's so funny. Noone can make you laugh like Roy. I had some serious downs this winter, and Roy always brought back a smile on my face. I remember a particular night when I felt really bad, and he did the most hilarious moves and faces, so that this night turned into one of the most fun ones in my life. He's got a massive talent for comedy and acting. Eat your heart out, Whoopi Goldberg.

1) Roy gets all my RuPaul/ Lady Gaga/ Patrick Wolf references. Condragulations Roy, you have won the challenge of being the most amazing person in the world. You put be in the magic position, baby. Cherry cherry boom boom.

The best thing that ever happened to me was to get him as my friend. Everything good that happens to me only happens because I have him as my friend.
Roy, I love you.

Lets make the headlines loud and clear
The best things suddenly happen when you are here
If I lost my way you'd carry me home
Take me all the way to heaven never leave me alone,
And its just like everything matters when you are near.

Wednesday, Wednesday, Gotta get down on Wednesday...

Partyin’, partyin’, yeah.
Partyin’, partyin’, yeah.
Fun, fun, fun, fun.

In the afternoon I went to Shoreditch, because the brilliant Cocknbullkid played a gig at Rough  Trade. Watch the video. She's amazing.

Because it was only 8pm after the gig, and I wanted to go to another party later, I decided to get drunk in a restaurant to pass the time. Naturally.

After several cocktails, I had a nice chat with the waiter. He told me I look like a Latvian Eurovision contestant.  This made me so happy, because that is one of my life goals. Which I have accomplished now. Go me!!
Actually, he meant a specific lady, called Triana Park. I looked her up, and I like heer style, even though the outfit she's wearing in that picture would make me look like a giant cotton ball. On wheels. Maybe that's a good look?
Anyway, the waiter even called up his friend to get me the name of Triana Park, and he was so lovely and chatty that in the end I got confused whether he just was a gay sweetheart or whether he was, um, hitting on me. Nevermind.

When I was reasonably drunk I made my way to Soho, because I wanted to go to a party at the W hotel. On my wayI walked past a karaoke bar and heard someone belting out 'Poker Face'. The wobbly vocals had a strange allure to me, so I went inside, had a glass of wine, got a lapdance, sang a Kylie song, and left again. Straight after I sang. Because I didn't had enough alcohol to face the reactions to my awful murder of 'I should be so lucky'.

The party at W hotel I went to after was a bit weird: lots of the usual London club kids in an extremely posh hotel bar. Apparently it's 'guestlist only', but none of the 20 bouncers I walked past checked actually who I was.
It was sort of fun though.. I met a gorgeous drag queen who told me all sorts of drag secrets, even some stuff I didn't want to know. About tucking and stuff. If you don't know what that is, google it.

dragtastic. by Daniel Lismore.

When i went to the bathroom, and a girl with long legs and blonde hair was there who looked vaguely familiar. Ok, not vaguely. I did watch the whole first season of The OC religilously. I even forced my friends to watch. Can we  please not talk about this? Anyway, the following conversation took place:
Me: 'Hey, you look like Mischa Barton'
Girl, with a tired smile: 'I am'
Me: 'Oh...' I want to ask her if she is upset that Rachel Bilson's boyfriend on the OC was much hotter than hers. Probably not a good idea. I want  to ask her where she got those glasses from. But she is not wearing them, and I don't want to admit I read Perez Hilton. I have no idea what to say to her, because I am completely clueless what she has been doing during the last few years, apart from, umm, wearing sometimes interesting clothes. I also got the OC theme tune stuck in my head. Californiaaa....
Mischa: 'I like your top!'
Me: (It is actually a dress..nevermind..) 'Oh, wow, thanks! I like your, umm..' her outfit is kinda understated, unfortunately, nothing I particularily like..help!!..oh.. 'I like your bracelet!'
Mischa: 'Oh, it's actually a CUFF'
Me: (Gee!) 'Ah, um... how do you like the party?'
Mischa: 'I like it!'
Me: 'I think it's a bit boring!'
Mischa: 'Oh yes it is, isn't it.. but I loooove the way they are dressed, like, really outrageous!
Me: 'Oh, you mean Daniel Lismore? He's fab!'
Mischa: 'Oh yes, that's probably the one I just met, he looks amazing.'
We smile at each other, and I am actually starting to think that she's a really nice girl.
Me: 'What are you doing in London?'
Mischa: 'You know, visiting my family over here and stuff' Her face closes up, and she uses the hand drying machine. Probably to get rid of me, which is fair enough. 

Later that night, Mischa's friends ask my friends, who have cameras, to take pictures of her. That seems a bit strange: The result is amazing, though. See below. Seth Cohen would approve.

Mischa and a friend, taken by my friend Joie.

And that, dear children, is a typical day in my super interesting life. Except that the rest of the time, I mostly hang out in cafes, reading True Blood novels or meet friends for cupcakes.

Spare me from the mold (I like burgers)

I've been living in London for over 8 months now. At this point I sometimes feel that things have become a little same old, same old. 
Because I watch too many reality casting shows (anyone else disappointed that Raja won RuPaul's drag race??), I decided I needed a new challenge, if only to have something new to blog about.So, naturally, I decided to enter a beauty contest.
...
...
...
Ok, the sound of this seems as weird to me as it seems to you. Can I please explain? The contest is called "Burger Queen". It's tongue in cheek, it's fun, it's different. It isn't your plain old pageant where women or children aspire to look like a Barbie nightmare.

The idea of the contest, which is organised by London's notorious b.i.g. performance artist Scottee, is to celebrate different body types. The contestants need to have a 'fat mentality': People who feel they don't 'fit' into stereotypical beauty standards, but nontheless feel they are healthy and fashionable, foxy and happy.

I am very fond of a nice, juicy burger. I also struggled with my weight for years (I challenge you to find a wheelchair accessible gym. The nearest one to my place is a 45 minutes bus journey). Me and my body had lots of negotiations, and while I am physically probably the healthiest I have been in a long time and more or less work out regularily, I have also accepted that certain body parts of me are just fat, and most likely always will be.

Funnily enough, people rarely took issue with my weight. Not even when I was a lot heavier. In the eyes of fashion and medicine, my body is already 'wrong', 'unhealthy' and 'unable', no matter the size of my hips. For a very long time I let that mentality complicate the relationship between my body and me.

Until I realised that doctors know fuck all about my body. and neither does Vogue. I can be healthy. I can be strong. I sure as hell am a fashionista.

I feel that the Burger Queen Contest reflects that spirit.
Oh, and there's prizes for the winner, too.

http://www.burger-queen.info/

In the most Biblical sense, I am beyond repentance.

The notion of a universality of human experience is a confidence trick and the notion of a universality of female experience is a clever confidence trick. - Angela Carter

This weekend, this drag queen who is also a shaman wanted to go to a party with me. But he/she was extremely chaotic, so I actually never went. Also, him/her saying that he/she could heal me (of what??) by reconnecting my energies, or some weird shit, reminded me of the spiritual phase my mum went through when I was 6. She sent my bro and me to all sorts of workshops lead by people in ugly clothes and even uglier shoes. The only thing I liked about it were the crystals lying around. I tried to steal as many as possible.
The bottom line is that I like drag queens very much, shamans too (I met another one this weekend and he was perfectly lovely), but people who think I need to be healed.. not so much. Go heal yourself first.

Supercrip

Hello, lovely person who reads this.

I wanted to use this blog to write about happy, sparkly stuff. Like fabulous drag queens:

My life has a lot of glittery bits in it. Certainly a lot of makeup.
However, this is also my life:

- I have been stuck in lifts for 5 times in my life.
- Most of the time I have to plan an extra 30 minutes to get somewhere/get home, because the ramps of the buses don't work, or there are baby buggies blocking the disabled space, or people's luggage is blocking that space. illegal? you bet, but if I'd sue them all, I'd do nothing else.
- This weekend it took me 1 hour to get to a gig in a pub which said it as 'accessible' on the homepage, however, while the main pub was, the gig itself was on the 2nd floor and the spiral stairs horribly narrow. I had to go back home. Exception? No, this is not. This is my life.

Stuff like this happens to me every bloody week, several times. It's exhausting. I am generally a positive, happy person. But there are moments when I feel just scared and weak. Luckily, I have many fantastic friends and a great family who allows me to be weak and tired. However, I am scared to show this side to people who don't know me well.
If someone I don't know well asks me to come to a party/club/bar that I know will be horribly inaccessible, I often say I have something else to do than to say the real reason. Out of fear that they will be uncomfortable and embarrassed about it, and it IS an uncomfortable issue that I just don't have the strenght to discuss with people, all the time.
I guess this might make me look unapproachable. Like I'm not interested in other people. But I am just terrified that don't have my safety net here in London. And I don't want to come across as complicated, or as a buzzkill. Because I am not. People seem to like me best when I am laughing and spinning around in circles to Lady Gaga songs. Well, that is when I like myself best too. But I feel a lot of pressure to be like that all the fucking time (from myself, but also from other people. Disability and performance. please write a book about this, Judith Butler, or I will.) And I just can't.

I am shit scared that I don't find a flat or a job when I finish uni. How many of you guys live/work in wheelchair accessible places? Exactly.
Because of all of this, I became terribly whiny and paranoid lately. But I don't want to be like that. I feel that there are enough images of miserable, bitter disabled people with ugly clothes out there. And I am cheerful, strong and my clothes are fabulous. And my handbags. Don't forget the handbags.
I know that I am really blessed in lots of ways. I have the most fabulous, intelligent, fun friends who would go through fire and water for me. As I would for them. I have a wonderful family who were always proud of me and made me feel I can be whatever I want to be. My life is bloody crazy and unpredictable, and I don't think it would be like that if I wasn't exactly the way I am. Just look at some pictures:

So if I have been whiny, paranoid, or acted as if I don't like you: I didn't mean to. I do like you (well, most people). I didn't mean to let out my frustration on you. I am sorry. I just want to dance with you.
Cause when you step into the disco
leave your problems at the front door
you know, the world don't have to end
long as the DJ records spin.

A quick update in bright lipstick

It's London Fashion Week at the moment. And it's happening next to my uni. I love it so much. Lots of ladies in high heels with bright lipstick. And tall, leggy, androgynous creatures. People watching has reached a whole new level.
My friend Sarah came to visit this week. We had a lovely time, lots of cookies and cupcakes. The highlight was our afternoon tea at Bea's of Bloomsbury.

yum??

 

I had a really good night out on Friday. I went with my friend Ricardo who likes to straddle me. (Weird, my life?). After that, I stayed in the rest of the weekend, ate lots of spinach and watched all 7 episodes of Downton Abbey.. Which I keep misspelling "Downtown Abbey". Oh well, bear with me.

When I am fully grown up I want to be a mix between Dame Vivienne Westwood and Dame Maggie Smith.

I go ahead and smile..

I might know less about dating than 14 year-old fashion bloggers. I certainly know less about dating than mums. However, I have learned a lot during the last month.
If it makes you feel constantly anxious and insecure, something might be wrong. If you stop blogging about things that make you happy because you don't tend to be very happy anymore, something is fishy. If you break out in tears over your soy latte in Costa Coffee because your iPod plays "Total Eclipse Of The Heart", something definitely completely went awry, as much as you secretly love Bonnie Tyler. Wasn't that dating thing supposed to be fun?? Personally, I'd much rather be alone than someone else's vanity booster. If neither you nor the person you are dating bother to make each other smile, let it be.
Luckily I got amazing friends. When I have nervous breakdowns at Costa Coffee (once and never again) they send me virtual chocolate unicorns. They draw up with me flirty notes for hot waiters at Indian restaurants. They play hide and seek with me inside my drawers. And they might even offer to write drunken, silly emails to that guy. Which I totally accepted refused. End of story. I need to colour my hair now. See you next week, goodbye.

Roy playing hide and seek inside my drawers. If that doesn't make you laugh, what will?

Sexy pears!

Happy New Year, Lovelies!!
How are we? Did you make any resolutions? I never do. I usually re-evaluate myself or my life on my birthday, that feels much more personal. But of course we are all a work in progress, and I recently discovered some things I am good at and some I am bad at:

 good:

• eating cookies
• singstar (although I have to admit that my chances of winning massively increase if the other person decides to rap every single song.  Even Spice Girls and David Bowie.)

bad:

• catching trains. 
• concentrating on essay deadlines. I get distracted far too easily by cute guys who make me laugh. Luckily there aren't any in London (that is, if you don't leave your room until you finished two 4000-word essays)

I've also come to appreciate over the Christmas break several things we have in Switzerland that London doesn't have. Even pavements is one of those things. Taps that let you choose your exact water temperature is another. But nevermind, life is good and I'll blog regularly again now that I'm back in London.
What makes me happy is that I tackled one of my essays. It was about pears and sex or something. Now, on to the next one about umbrellas and zoos. I feel positively modernist. Also, positively tired.

Happy 2011, Babychams!

Maybe I'll throw in a unicorn, just for the fun of it.

Do you have those days when you feel as if you didn't really exist because your phone seems sort of dead and the best social interaction you have is ordering coffee at Starbucks?
Monday was such a day for me. I had to work on a boring spreadsheet all day. I was terrified because the feedback for my essay was waiting at uni for me. My first King's essay, oh excuse me, "Critical Commentary". What the eff is a "Critical Commentary" anyway, and if you don't know what it is, how are you supposed to write one? Maximum anxiety level. When I got home I ended up watching tons of Nigella , and it made me feel even worse. I want her hair. I want her cooking skills. In order to have at least something in common with her (the hips), I ate all of the chocolates in my advent calendar.Children, do not try this at home, it sucks and you'll have no chocolate until Christmas.
At this point you are probably asking yourself, and rightly so, why I am writing this. Didn't I promise some weeks ago I'll write only happy things? Also, you only came here because of the competition, and now I am going on about eating chocolate instead of giving you some (chocolate). TTSSSSSSK. WELL... If you never lose, how you gonna know when you won?
If it's never dark, how you gonna know the sun when it shines...  These are the words of a gorgeous young popstar wise old man.
And they do not only make an awesome song, they are true as well. Apparently, karma wanted to make things up to me, and I got all sorts of sweet messages and texts the next day, even from people I had no idea they had an idea that I exist.
I also met up with Rachel, I really nice girl from my course who shared a peanut butter cupcake with me. That made me really happy.

Rachel kindly explained the British marking system to me, because even though I had collected my essay, I had no clue what my mark meant. As it turned out, the essay went down rather well, which astonished both me and my tutor (I wish I was exaggerating here, but I am not. He was even more surprised at my grade than I was). I feel really relieved, because I was worried I would do much worse here at Uni than back home in Switzerland.. But it turns out I can keep doing what I enjoy doing, so it's all good, kids. The topics for my two forthcoming essays were approved this week as well, and in case you are a nerdy person like me who is interested in English Lit essays, they are:

- Mary Poppins, Myths and London (or something like that - but I AM WRITING ABOUT MARY POPPINS. YAY. AND LONDON. MAYBE I'LL THROW IN A UNICORN JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT).
- Queerness in Katherine Mansfield's short stories.

The latter, no doubt, will add to the "queer" impression some of the people here seem to have of me. Several times I was asked in either a pushy or nervous tone whether "all that stuff on my facebook" is true.

How can this be my son??










Oh wait, but that wasn't what you ACTUALLY wanted to know,right? No, I am not married to Isa. But she's all sorts of awesome. If that didn't answer your question: The last person I had (have?) a bit of a crush on has better makeup skills than I have, And you know, my makeup skills are even more accomplished than my profound knowledge about the members of take that. So what does that make me? I think it makes me really  cool, HA. And if you don't think so, why not go and read another blog instead? Joy the baker is really good!

So, what I meant to say with all this rambling gibbberish is: Everyone has horrible days. It happens. Don't watch Nigella. Just read a good book and go to bed. What's good about horrible days is that they are usually followed by awesome days.
I would like to make your day more awesome, especially after  you went through all the trouble reading my rambling gibberish. The first person who can spot me in this video will get a Christmas surprise. By post. Just comment here, you don't need a blogger account to do it. Because if you never win, how you gonna know when you won?
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

How my faith in humanity has been restored by Ricky, the taxi driver

I usually don't mind London buses.. I guess the tube would be faster, but it's about 90% inacessible for me, so I don't really bother with the remaining 10%. But this Tuesday, I had absurd bad luck with the buses..In the morning I had an appointment at the hairdressers and was 20 minutes late because of the ramp of the bus not working - the bus driver tried 2 or 3 times, but then just drove off.
After I had my hair done (I quite like it, though it's more reddish than orange, again - I wonder if I will ever achieve really orange hair - it's one of my life goals) I had a seminar at the Museum of London. And again, the ramp of the bus (a different route and everything) didn't bloody work. But then something AMAZING happened. There was a black cab behind the bus, and the taxi driver got out of the cab and asked me where I wanted to go - and then he offered to take me to the Museum, for free. Just because I had the same haircolour as his daughter - apparently she's 13 and had it dyed because she's really into Florence and the Machine. How adorable is that? Honestly, being a redhead rules. You get free taxi rides and get on time to classes and everything.

Also, I need to show you some of the ridiculously gorgeous people I went to see Patrick Wolf with this week:
Roy and me in Cardiff (yes he is wearing blue lipstick, which somehow makes his eyes sparkle. He even wore the blue lipstick when we went out for pizza the night before, because he is super cool like that):

Aaaand Elissa and me in London. We also went with Jenny and Finn, but they are not pictured, because that would be too many pretty people in one blog entry. You'd just ignore the writing and stare at the pictures.I can't let that happen. I know Elissa from Creative Writing Society at Uni. She's totally cool and awesome, and her prettiness makes people give us free carrot sticks:

You might have noticed that Roy is featured in pretty much every blog. That is because he is crucial to my happiness.
That's all.

Material Girl

I am sorry. I let you down. I didn't post last week. It's only Monday. Can we pretend it's Sunday?

What made me happy this week (well, ok, last week..shhhh) is a pile of things. I learned in my seminar on Victorian Literature that there's nothing wrong with a bit of commodity culture. By the way, some dude always brings up "David Beckham's tattoos" (or something similar) in that seminar, which is especially funny as it is taught every week by another teacher on a different topic, bute dude never fails to throw in a random pop culture reference. Naughty, naughty.

So, here's a list of fabulous THINGS. go get some things, they'll make you cheerful. Hooray for consumerism.

1) Meddy the reindeer. Esther made this for me. WITH HER OWN HANDS. Like, properly crocheted. Esther's all sorts of awesome, even if she wouldn't crochet cute animals for me. She visited this (ok LAST) week. I miss her, booh. But Meddy the reindeer keeps me company. We drink Babycham together.

2) Do you know Babycham? It's a sparkly pear cider drink that comes in sparkly bottles with Bambi printed on them. SERIOUSLY. I didn't just make that up. Somebody else made that up. Probably an elderly lady who looks like Dame Edna. Even the name is all sorts of awesome. Let's say it together. Babycham, Babycham.

3) My mum sent me an Advent calendar. It's glittery and has dwarves and little angels on it. (Yeah, i didn't know that they like to hang together either). Love my mum, miss her MUCH. I might have told you that Tori Amos/Geri Halliwell/Pippi Longstocking/The little mermaid is the reason I dyed my hair red. But, my mum is. Because she is cooler than all of those ladies combined.

4) I have to read Mary Poppins for uni. It's pretty much the only book for that class I have read before (ha!) and I think it's one of the most wonderful little novels ever written. Please don't be the 367 person (yeah right, as if I knew that many) to tell me you didn't know that it actually is a book. Just go and read it. Mary is a major bitch diva in it. Love it.

5) I got a new sash/necklace/cord/barrier thingy. A handsome young man with major makeup skills gave it to me. Only it was used in the club to separate the "VIP tables", or some random shit. So security wanted it back. But I ran off to the loo, hid it in my massive bag, and went home. Living on the wild side, beaches.

6) I bought a necklace made of christmas lights that light up in the dark. Because you should buy yourself stuff that's cool and special and lights up in the dark. You deserve it.

These are my favourite things. What are yours?
'Now,' she said, 'spit spot into bed.'

What also made me crazy happy is that Wagner AND Katie got chucked off the X Factor.

Yes, I know that my carpet is ugly. It's even uglier in real life.

December will be magic again.

What I loooooooooooooved this week is the Christmas fair on the Southbank, right on my doorstep (There are other good things on my doorstep, cute puppies for example. Or adorable ears. Or, like, the Thames. Duh). So here are some expressions to get you in a christmassy mood.  

ELVES!!!

Santa's Letterbox!

Mini-Books!!!

Shoot Bang Whatevs.

Let me introduce you to Fudge. We have a love/hate relationship.

cuuuuute.

small sticks come in pretty colours.

Rudolph

Sparkle the dark up, With just a touch of make-up. I love Kate Bush so much, what a genius to write lyrics about Christmas AND makeup. There aren't enough songs about makeup.

Britney's got attitude.

I don't really have time to blog, I still have to finish an essay on how Oscar Wilde invented homosexuality.
Buuuuuuuuuut I promised one Happy-Blog every week, and this was one of the bestest weeks ever, so I decided to give Oscar some privacy for a moment, even though that won't help him much. Poor Oscar.

Cardiff/Roy/pink unicorn
I went to visit Roy in Cardiff. Roy is the coolest, sweetest and overall best person in the world. The fact that he presented me with a massive pink unicorn balloon when he picked me up at the station only confirms this. The Unicorn is called Chee Cho and now lives on my door. Cardiff is pretty, especially Cardiff Bay. Sometimes the Mystery Jets play there. They seem to like pink unicorns too, good for them.
Here's a picture of Roy and the unicorn which is full of awesomeness.

Tea
It doesn't get much better than sitting in my kitchen with Frank and Christina, inventing new words. Because Frank and Christina are clever like that. I love having clever friends visiting me.


Dancing to Britney with Christina and Jakes
..At a new club night called "Haute". It was awesome. A band was playing too, they were called "Pandering and the Golddiggers". They were super fierce. We had gin and tonics. It was so much fun. According to a massively stylish gothic lady-man, Jakes is my "main friend". That's cool, I never had a "main friend", and I like that it's Jake, because he is adorable and awesome and the Sporty Spice to my Ginger Spice. Viva Forever.
We also met that night a loony Austrian who let me give him a glitter makeover (but his shoes were so ugly, the makeup couldn't really save his look) and a sk8erboi who sernaded us with Avril Lavigne songs on our way home. "He was a punk, she did ballet , what more can I say?"

 Attitude is Everything
Attitude is Everything improves disabled people's access to live music. This is very important, because I think gigs and music can make such a difference to someone's life. For many young people, live venues play a massive role in their social life, but at the same time so many of them are not very accessible for disabled people. I got in touch with attitude after the London nightclub Heaven denied me access to a gig this spring because I'm in a wheelchair. Heaven sucks. Don't go to Heaven, kids.
So, I think "Attitude is Everything" is a really cool and important organisation, which is why I'm going to work for them. Do check them out.

Happy without shoes

Last night I made a resolution. No more angsty or emo blog entries. After all, being emo is only cool if you are 13 and wear a size 6, And I'm twice.. both, actually. When my friends tell me what they like about me, it's usually my positive, optimistic attitude. Somehow I lost that a bit during the last couple of weeks, and I am determined to get it back. Full hardcore style.
So, from now on, instead of telling you how much I hate my bank assistant or how much I am terrified of handing in my first essay here, I will dedicate one entry a week to things that made me happy. Because I am bloody worth it, and even more so are you, dear reader. Let's do it! Here we go, in no particular oder (actually, that sentence is almost always a lie. There is always an order. But figure it out yourself):

1) Coffee
The salesguy at Pret A Manger today offered me my latte "on the house". Just because he wanted to. That made me happy.


2) Boys in my flat
Last night I had a little accident. It was very unglamourous and involved me falling over backwards on the floor and a whole tub of tomato soup that I drenched myself and half of the kitchen in. It was disgusting. However, my flatmate Julian did not only help me up from the floor, he also helped me cleaning and reassured me that the smell of tomato soup everywhere was in fact rather pleasant. That was very sweet of him. I really like all of my flatmates, although I felt a bit weird around them in the beginning, as they are not the kind of people I am used to hanging out with (all three of them are heterosexual males, after all). All three of them are lovely.


3) Time of my life
Last night was the radio premiere of Patrick Wolf's new single "Time of my life". Back in December 2008 a snippet of it was released in the "Battle Megamix". At that time I had been in and out of hospital for 2 years due to an ongoing problem with my feet, and I had to get used to the fact that I wouldn't be allowed to wear normal, cute shoes anymore. In that snippet Patrick sang "Happy without you", but to me it sounded like "Happy without shoes" and I found that strangely comforting. And it is true, I am now, 2 years later, happy without shoes, with healthy feet and orthopaedic boots. For me, this song symbolizes how Patrick Wolf single-handedly transformed what could have easily been the darkest two years of my life into a time of glittery adventures. Sure, I had to go to the hospital every bloody week, but I also wore sequined dresses and danced to the "Magic Position" in Berlin, London and, umm, Düdingen. As Nick Grimshaw would say, "well done, Patrick Wolf". I love the song dearly, and so should you, even if you are able to wear pretty shoes. It's got handclapping and gorgeous strings and.. Just listen to it.

A Halloween Story (The Clown and the Unicorn)

I want to tell you a story. It's only a very short one and not very scary. It's about a girl unicorn who hung out with a bunch of topless gay clowns in a Circus.
That doesn't sound very realistic, does it? Well, remember that it's only a story. But, to make it more realistic, let's say it was Halloween and they were all in a "polysexual" night club called Circus and the girl was only dressed up as a unicorn - and the same goes for the clowns, probably. Now, the story goes like this:
The most gorgeous, most naked of the clowns (seriously, he was in the top 5 of the hottest gay guys the unicorn girl had ever seen, and she had seen many) begged the girl unicorn to kiss him. Just because he felt like kissing a girl for a change and because he had never kissed a Swiss girl before.
Really, what are the chances? That does not seem very likely, you might think, and so thought the unicorn lady. So she gave him a little peck on his super luscious lips, but he was not happy with that, went down on his knees before the unicorn and asked for a proper snog. Curiouser and curiouser. The girl unicorn didn't need much convincing and obliged. She was happy she did because a) it was very good and b) she had to neutralize her snogging karma after a very debauched Friday night that didn't involve gorgeous Brazilian clowns. In fact it didn't involve anyone gorgeous at all and does neither deserve a story nor a blog post (What a slutty unicorn, you might think, and rightly so!).
You may ask me about all this in private conversation, but don't expect an honest answer. It's just a story after all, anyway.

Coffee and hugs for everyone. And men in heels.

So I feel kind of bad for bitching about Geeksoc on my last blog entry. I went to an anime screening tonight (I especially liked a very silly one about bread and one that was more like the Hayao Miyazaki films I already knew, with a strong fantasy theme), and not only have they changed the rooms, but everyone was so sweet and accommodating and goofy. It was all laughter and hugs and warm and fuzzy feelings. So, looove Geeksoc, even the 3 people who were moaning on the forum about having to change venues. I don't know who you guys are, but let's have a virtual group hug.
Yea, Geeksoc made me happy. What made me also happy is that I found 2 very nice study-cafes. I prefer doing my reading in cafes, as I get more of a "OMGZ I AM IN LONDON"-kick out of it than at home or at the library (also, the library is sort of labyrinth-ish, sans David Bowie. It scares me a little). This habit also lends itself to buying lipstick during study breaks. Which might or might not be a good thing.
Anyways, one of the cafes I found is in Covent Garden (so close enough to uni), the other one's in Shoreditch so I can at least feel super hip while feeling super stupid for not understanding my Marx and Foucault texts. But I still want to find a cafe to do my reading somewhere between Waterloo and London Bridge (preferably not too far south, or there's a 99% chance that I might get lost). So if you know a good place in that area that meets the following criteria, let me know:

- bright and spacious
- no stairs to get in
- either music that is very subdued or very good
- good coffee
- not too crowded

Besides cafes and societies, I have also been to a debauchery of the best kind on Saturday night, a new club night hosted by the amazing Scottee Scottee. Check out pics . none of me, but still worth looking at - ha. Lots of gorgeous men in high heels. I'll now go back to my reading about Oscar Wilde and gay men. Life is good. Have a good night.

Who likes Amanda Palmer?

There's a society for literally everything at my uni: Japanese, Drama, Rugby, dramatic Japanese rugby players.. you name it. As I am new to this concept, I went to a fair where they were giving out presents and free candy, and subsequently decided to check those with the best candy some out.
The first society I got involved with was geek society.On their forum, they discuss a Buffy The Vampire Slayer - sing-a-long-event. Also, geek society sounds almost like Glee Club, and I always wanted to hang out with Kurt and Mercedes. And, let's face it, nerdy is the new cool. And I always wanted to be cool.
So, after talking to some of them online via facebook, I went to an anime screening, which was quite fun. The audience were mainly young men, and I swear some of them looked like straight out of Lord Of The Rings. Super awesome.  What is not so awesome is that all of their activities seem to be happening somewhere on the first floor without a lift. Not all of it in the same room or even same building, but they just seem to generally have a preference for places upstairs. What also isn't so awesome is that when I suggested on their forum that they move some of it to rooms downstairs, some people thought this was very "inconvenient".
Probably people do not realise that this is rude and that it hurts me. Now, I can walk some stairs, but if I do, I need someone to help me. They were very helpful at the one event I went to, but still, situations with lots of stairs mean I can't come or go when I want to, have to ask someone to help me up or down when I want to go to the loo, and walking stairs too often is not very good for my body. Situations where I have to depend on others, especially people I do not know well, make me feel really insecure. As if the whole "meeting new people" didn't make me feel insecure enough. Those situations also make me feel "disabled". If I am in good company and infrastructure is accessible, I do not feel like I have a disability. It is situations that physically challenge me where I am made to feel un-able.
Aaaaaaaaanyway, I am sure noone inteded to hurt me, and in the end some of the geeks turned out to be real stars, and it seems like they are willing to do some stuff in accessible rooms after all. If the Glee Club can do it, Geek Society can do it, right?

I also went to the Creative Writing Society, who were super sweet, instantly switching to a different room when the one that they had orginally booked had a broken lift. They seem generally super nice, talented and witty. One of the girls there has actually stalked met Stephen Fry. Can you believe it.
By the way, I noticed that every cool girl I seem to meet here is a massive Amanda Palmer fan. Why is that? So I decided to add all the KCL students who "like" Amanda Palmer on  facebook. Maybe we can create an AFP society.



god its been a lovely day! everything is going my way
i took out the trash today and i'm on fire...

chance encounters

So, during my first week in London, in bumped into tallhandsomeOMGsohotandsosweetinreallife Nicholas Hoult.. yea, I just had to rub that under your noses again. This lead to a squealfest in the middle of soho (with a hopefully big enough distance from Mr Hoult not to hear it, though he might have been under the impression that I am "mentally challenged" very intelligent anyway, what with all my stuttering and spluttering witty remarks during our 2 minutes conversation).

he looks even hotter in real life, I swear.

Buuuuut, this also lead to me making this list:

PEOPLE I WANT TO BUMP INTO IN THE STREETS OF LONDON

of course I realise that by making this list, I jinxed it and my chance of actually meeting any of those people evaporates to zero, so there's another, secret list of people in my head that I REALLY REALLY want to meet.
here we go:


1) Daniel Radcliffe
Because he seems so cute and awkward and like a good person overall, and also he could teach me Apparition and riding a broomstick and stuff.

you like muggles?

2) Karley Sciortino
Because her blog is absolutely terrifying and addictive. I actually stalked met Karley once, at a London hipster party, but all I managed was a nervous smile, and now she moved to New York. Fail.

3) Blaine Harrison from the Mystery Jets
For obvious reasons (namely his haircut). But I hopefully will, I will I will?!?

4) Marianne Faithfull 
Because she could be my motherly London friend. I want one of those.


5) Alexander Skarsgård
Because he could be my smoking hot heterosexual special friend. I want one of those.

Also, there's a list of people I don't want to meet:

1-5) Your hamster/uncle/grandma/cousin who is in London and needs somewhere to stay. Don't be so cheap, book a hostel ffs. And the same goes for people who haven't talked to me in YEARS, but still think they can use me as a free hotel. Eff you, there's no space. Alexander, Daniel and me are having a pyjama party.